Explosions

2011-08-12T05:17:00.000-07:00

I'm a trans.

2011-07-14T18:49:00.001-07:00

2011-07-05T01:15:00.001-07:00

I'm confused about myself again.
I think I'm in denial.
But I don't ever want to tell people what it is.
But I think that's who I really am, and I'm hiding it from myself and everyone.

Your parents really are bullshit.

2011-06-28T05:54:00.001-07:00

They're annoying and stupid.

I'm sorry, but they are.

Asdfghjkl

2011-03-23T02:55:00.000-07:00

I swear you never understand how much you worry me when you get like this.
I'm afraid that I might lose you. I'm always fearful now that I might. Because of what you did 3 weeks ago.
I worry about you so much these days. I'm afraid to leave you sometimes.
Please don't do anything to yourself like that again. Please. I beg of you.

2011-03-18T05:18:00.001-07:00

Just let her go out for the day and/or night too. Give her a break.

Oh Fuck you shit me off.

2011-03-17T04:03:00.000-07:00

I wish you would just fuck off or loosen up.
Stop being so damn fucking uptight. Let her out. She's almost 18 for fuck's sake.
You make her so damn fucking miserable. All the fucking time.
And Him too. The both of you. Fucking fix yourselves up. Stop putting so much damn stress on her.
She's your daughter. You're supposed to care for her. Not tell her to get over shit like that. Shit like that you don't just "get over". You need help when that happens. You don't just tell your own daughter to stop worrying about you and him splitting up. You don't just tell her it was stupid and to get over it when she tells you she tried to kill herself. Do you just not fucking care? What if she had killed herself? What would you do then? Not care? Because I care so fucking much. I worry about her so much. I know more about her than you will ever fucking know. Maybe if you were around to see her. Maybe if you weren't so judgmental on her about everything. Maybe if you gave her some freedom to live and breathe. Maybe she wouldn't be the way she is. And you call yourself a social worker? Fuck off you cow.
Oh and also.
We've been together for almost 10 months now. Of course we do things you don't want us to do. But guess what? It's our choices to do that. Not yours. Ours.

You feeling like shit and me feeling like shit.

2011-03-15T02:07:00.000-07:00

it doesn't work.
It just makes me feel worse, because I'm trying to hide it from you so you don't feel any worse.

Fucking hell.
Can I give up on everything and not bother about it all and just sink into myself?

2011-03-14T03:44:00.001-07:00

I feel like shit.
Again.
Fucking hell.
I hate life.

Fuck.

2011-03-14T02:30:00.001-07:00

Why did you read through those?

I didn't want you to read them >..<"

Damnit.

I don't feel too well.

2011-03-12T04:21:00.001-08:00

I feel strange.
I don't feel anything.
I feel kind of numb.
But sort of sad.
I don't know.

"I'm tired" is the best excuse.

2011-03-11T16:34:00.001-08:00

Everyone believes it.
No-one knows any better.
I shouldn't hide things though.
It will all just build up inside me.
But I don't care.

2011-03-09T04:04:00.001-08:00

I'm not going to let anyone see that there's something wrong with me.
I'm just going to pretend I'm fine.

What am I doing to myself?

2011-03-09T03:31:00.001-08:00

Who am I becoming?

Why am I doing this for?

When you see the scars will they upset you?

God I am an idiot.

I wish I were dead sometimes. Like right now.

I should stop distracting everyone. I'm not good for people.

2011-03-08T02:56:00.001-08:00

First post. A depressing post.

2011-03-08T02:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I have a tumblr, but I just don't want the people I know to see some of the things I write. So this is my new outlet. I just need to get things out of my head, but I want people to know. But people I don't know, so I can say anything.

So right now, I'm super worried for you. You can not understand how much I worry for you and everyday I now feel like it could be the last that I see you, because of what you did on our 9 months. And now what you have done to yourself tonight and what you've told me as well, I begin to get even more worried.
I can't stand you putting the emotional blackmail onto me that you do put on me. It upsets me. It angers me. It makes me disappointed sometimes too. You told me you didn't want to be like her and you're doing things to me you said she'd done to you.
I want to tell you so badly to stop. But I know it will upset you more and make you do those things to yourself again.

I'm beginning to fracture from it. I won't leave you. No. I won't leave you. I don't want to. But the things you've done have hurt me.

Then having her say all that to me the night before and a friend the day after. It's becoming too much on me. I won't be able to handle anything else soon. School is already hard enough, but helping you and her is just really hard. I want to help and I need to tell someone but I don't know who to trust or who to go to now. There's just so much.

Having problems at home too, fighting with Mum and trying to work out my study plan.
I can't cope with the fighting anymore. It hurts me hearing her say things like that to me.
I know Mum. I don't know who I am anymore either. I'm trying to find that out too. I'm also trying not to be a self-centred selfish cow anymore too. Maybe it's just a teenage phase that we all go through at some point?
I'll get over it. I just need a job, my P's and a car. Then I won't be selfish and self-centred.

I have plans for the end of this year. I need to start making those plans happen.
I need a job in order for any of this to start and work out. I'm sick of asking for money. But yet I keep asking.

I just need to get out for a while. Ignore the world. Re-think everything around me. Change myself into a better person.